Avenger of the universe
by R4nd0mWr1t3r
Summary: Clint returns home after the events of Endgame. Includes Endgame spoilers. Oneshot. Rated T to be safe.


**Author's note:**

This is my first fanfic and something like this has been knocking around in my head (since seeing Endgame) asking to come out - for better or for worse. Most of my knowledge comes from the films and the fact that this came out in Clint's POV surprised me - so apologies if he's out of character in any way.

* * *

The sun peeked over the top of the nearby trees just as home came into view. It's rays came a-knocking, bouncing off the windows of the building I'd put my blood, sweat and tears into. Bathing it all in an otherworldly light that made me shudder.

Memories of another world. Another sun.

I'd flown there too.

Those same rays shot through the cockpit of the quinjet and tried to bully my eyes into submission.

But I glared right back at it.

So what if it blinded me. At least I wouldn't have to see their faces. The despair. The grief. The disappointment.

I sighed.

It fell flat in the empty space. I was alone in here. I shouldn't be.

I shouldn't even be here.

Was it selfish to wish this same feeling on her?

"You bet your ass it is, Barton," her voice echoed through my head. The infamous smirk flashed its way through the walls I was trying to build up.

Is that all she was going to be now? A voice in an aging man's head.

"Get mournful later. They're waiting for you."

I swiped a hand over my eyes and looked out once again as the jet started to descend. She was right, people were running inside the house. If I listened closely I could hear their faint shouts.

My heart skipped a beat. Voices I hadn't heard for five years and for the first time in just as long my heart was lighter.

They were back.

With the landing complete the jet door opened. I'd barely even taken my first step down by the time Lila covered half the distance. There was this big, goofy grin on her face, tears in her eyes that she would strongly deny if anyone ever asked, and her knees buckled under the weight of the emotion that coursed through all of us. I was the only one who noticed, sweeping her up in a hug as we reached each other.

My little girl. Exactly as I remembered. So happy and smiley and untainted by everything.

And all I could think was how it was about to change. She was about to change. Because I was about to ruin her world.

"Stop it Clint," I internally scolded myself. "Think happy thoughts. This is a happy moment. They're all back."

So I fixed a smile to my face, masked the pain in my eyes and cupped Lila's cheek, stroking it affectionately with my thumb. My mind flashed back to our archery lesson on _that_ day. She was getting so good and she was damn proud of herself. As she should be, I was damn proud of her too.

"Hey Hawkeye," I whispered.

"You're here. You're really here," she buried her head into my chest. And Coop was there, in a similar state to his sister, though the tears were already streaming. He barrelled into us, wrapping his arms around both.

"We had no idea what was going on, dad," he started, "one sec we were getting ready for lunch and feeling a little weird, then the next you were gone."

I'd forgotten what this felt like. The smell of them, the feeling of their company, the sound of their voices. I'd forgotten what it was like to be their dad. For so long I only knew Ronin, I only understood vengeance.

I hoped I could understand family again.

"Course you can Barton," she spoke once more from inside my head, "you're a family man through and through. You just took a bit of whacky detour."

A killing spree spanning continents and completely bringing down, or severely weakening, several well established criminal gangs wasn't exactly something I'd call 'whacky'. But that was Nat, so used to death she shoved it into unlikely compartments.

Her name came so easily to mind, but as soon as I thought it, my heart clenched. Breathing stopped.

I clutched the kids tighter. Pulled them closer. They were here.

They were real.

"Don't leave me out," a small, tear-filled voice sounded behind us. I whipped round and for a moment I forgot what grief was. My lungs worked again and my heart decided to do some overtime. The kids let go of me first. Their beams still in place.

I stumbled, actually stumbled, the last couple of steps to Laura and pulled her and Nate into the most bone-crushing hug I could muster.

"You're okay," she whispered.

"Yeah, if only," I thought. Instead, I kissed the top of her head and pulled back to look at all of them.

My family.

All bar one.

"What about you guys? You okay?"

Laura nodded, keeping a tight hold of our youngest.

"Yeah dad. We're okay, just-" Lila shrugged, at a loss for words.

"Confused," Coop finished for her.

"Honey, we saw the news, what happened at the compound. They're saying Tony - they're saying Tony died?" She was tentative, she already knew the answer but needed confirmation. Even if she didn't want it.

She liked Tony. He'd only stopped by for a little while during the Ultron debacle, but he'd helped with the chores, sorted out some things I couldn't without even asking. Even after our little internal strife, she couldn't bring herself to dislike him.

Not like I could blame her. He was a good guy, always had been. Sometimes he was hidden beneath a complete jerk, but that was just how he coped with a world that didn't want to cope with him.

And now, neither had to cope anymore.

"Yeah," I choked up on the word. Jesus Clint, if you can't talk to them about Tony how are you gonna bring up _her_.

Laura handed Nate to Coop before standing in front of me, calmly clutching my arms. Much like I'd done on that godforsaken planet.

"I'm sorry Clint," I avoided her eyes as she searched them out, "I really am."

A sob almost managed to break free. I held it back but she noticed and I knew I couldn't avoid it anymore. I knew I had to shatter their peace.

"G-guys. There's something else," each word came in a breath, difficult to get out as the weight of what I was about to say crushed against everything I was. "There's something else I need to tell you."

They looked intently at me but I didn't dare look at any of them. Shame creeping up, shame that I was here and she was not. Several times I opened my mouth to say the words but I just didn't have the strength to speak.

And then came that goddamn question.

"Clint," Laura said, her voice was steady but no one missed the hint of concern in her voice, "where's Nat?"

Why do people keep asking me that question? Why?

Then of course the kids took up the chorus.

"Yeah, where's Auntie Nat?"

"When's she getting here?"

"It's been so long."

The kids missed my sharp intake of breath. They missed the struggle to keep the sobs back.

But Laura did not.

My words still didn't come but I did finally look her in the eye and all I saw in those deep pools was Nat falling, endlessly. Her last words echoed in my ears.

"It's okay," she said. well guess what Nat. It wasn't. It wasn't okay. It was so far from _ever_ being okay.

I saw the blood.

The smirk.

The determined set to her jaw.

The peace in her eyes.

And that smile.

But most of all I saw her broken body. I saw her in a way she never wanted anyone to see her.

At some point I'd fallen to my knees. Again. Lila was there.

"Dad," she whispered.

I was gasping, gulping down air. Only it didn't feel like any was getting in. Laura knelt down with me, clutching my shoulders. And still our eyes were linked. Again, she wanted confirmation. She wanted to hear the words. she wouldn't let herself believe that her best friend, the aunt to her children was gone.

Not until she heard me say the words.

But how do you tell the people you love that they're here, living and breathing and having this conversation, because someone else you love, someone _they_ love, traded their life. How do you tell them that the only reason they're back is because someone had to die?

"Smooth, Barton," I heard her smirk in the back of my head, "traumatise your kids why don't you. I'm not being held responsible for that."

And hearing that mocking tone from her, the one she used so often, finally gave me the strength to focus, to look at them all and say the words they needed to know.

"She's, Lila - she's," I choked back another sob and clutched at Laura. I could feel her trembling. She was close to breaking down too. "Auntie Nat - Nat isn't coming. She's gone."

I whispered the last word, but I may as well have yelled it for the deafening silence that followed. The tears fell from my eyes, I couldn't even be bothered to wipe them away. No one moved, no one even breathed. Even Nate, little Nate - named for the aunt he was never going to get to know - even he kept still.

Then it all caught up with us.

Lila fell to the ground, clutching her stomach and gasping. Coop was with her, pulled her into a hug, the tears already in full flow. His eyes still showing his disbelief even though his mind knew it to be true. Nate crawled into his brother's lap and patted Lila's arm.

Laura shuddered. Fingers digging into my shoulder as she processed the news. As she realised the Russian stray I'd brought home after a mission wasn't coming back. That our red-headed master assassin turned babysitter wasn't going to have anymore Disney movie nights with the kids. That the woman who had her childhood ripped from her to be replaced with a gun, who was never shown any kindness or compassion as she grew up yet was somehow full of it for everyone except herself was nothing but a memory now.

That an essential member of our family was dead.

She tried to speak, but only a choked noise came out. So Lila spoke for her.

"How? What happened?" Her voice was surprisingly steady. Full of emotion but she didn't let it stop her.

What do I even say to that? I didn't know how much Laura would want the kids to know, even how much Nat would want me to tell. But I guess Nat didn't have a say anymore and I damn well wanted her to be remembered for the good she did. Once I started speaking, I couldn't stop.

"She spent the last five years trying to get you back, you know. To get everyone back. Five years of hope after hope being dashed before her very eyes. Five years of being the only one brave enough to keep that hope alive.

"Then we found a way. Or rather, a way found us, and she took it and she ran with it. She brought the gang back together. Well, what was left of it. So we all worked to turn that way into something to reverse what was done. To restore all life taken from us. Only, when we got there, there was a price. A price we didn't know about. One she wouldn't let me pay."

I paused. Emotion the constant enemy as my throat threatened to close up. It was just that damn smile of hers.

"She - Nat sacrificed herself. She traded her life to bring back half of all life in the universe. To give us that chance. She traded her life to bring you back to me."

I whispered the last part. Overcome with shame. At some point I'd stopped looking at them and now I was done I still couldn't bring myself to look up. At least not until Lila grabbed my hand and when I did it was impossible not to see the pain and anguish I felt, mirrored in her face.

And Coop's.

And Laura's.

All were crying silently. Digesting the information. Processing the new life they had and the jump they'd made. One from a world with Nat in, to one without.

"She always was my hero," Coop mumbled thickly. We all smiled. It was his worst kept secret, how much he idolised her.

"Mine too," Lila agreed, "though, now, I don't want her to be a hero. I just want her to be our Auntie Nat."

"I'm so sorry, honey," Laura whispered.

"Me too," I sighed and it turned into another sob. "It hurts so much. I tried to stop her. I tried."

"She died how she lived the majority of her life. Fighting with all her might to do good."

"And kicking the crap outta me," I mused.

Laura smiled.

But it was Lila who put it succinctly.

"Auntie Nat, avenger of the universe."


End file.
